Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Tough Question

I've gotten a lot of questions lately about how I am feeling and doing since I guess I really haven't said much about myself. It can actually be a pretty loaded question, because depending on the day and the person asking, you might get a short answer or you might get a long one. Mostly I just say, "physically I am doing great." And leave it at that. Mentally and emotionally, it varies depending on the day, the hour, and the minute you catch me.

Physically it doesn't even really seem like I just had a baby. For that, I attribute everything to Dr. Al-Khouatly. I know I don't have anything to compare it to, but I feel like I recovered really quickly from my c-section. I never had any trouble with the stairs (we have about 30 steps leading to our front door) and was able to drive 10 days after surgery. The hardest thing was just getting out of bed for the first week post-op. I did have some trouble in the hospital when my catheter was removed, but I think it's probably typical to have problems getting things moving after abdominal surgery!

But mentally and emotionally things are all out of whack. I know I just had a baby and I visit him every day, but its hard to comprehend it when I don't have a baby to take care of, to feed, to hold, and do all those things with that normal Moms get to do. Someone else is taking care of him 24/7 while I stand by and watch. I think to myself, I bet most Moms don't even remember the first time they saw their baby's eyes or the first time they got to wash his/her clothes, or his/her hair. For us, those everyday things that new moms and dads do with a new baby are a luxury. I can count on one hand the number of times I've been able to hold my baby in the 22 days that he's been alive.

And when I run errands before going to the hospital, I think about the fact that I'm not pushing a stroller. That other people have no idea I just had a baby. Or that our neighbors that we don't know very well just saw me insanely pregnant a few weeks ago, and now I am clearly no longer pregnant, but don't ever have a baby with me. It's just very weird and hard to deal with some times.

And not knowing when he will be home and how big he will be and who will take care of him, makes it even harder. I can't make any decisions or plans for the future, because we have absolutely no idea


  1. And all the stress and out of whack hormones! Stay strong and trust that God has amazing plans for Stephen. Every day in the NICU feels like an eternity but we will be praying for not only fast healing for your sweet baby but comfort for you and your husband as you sit and wait and pray. Prayers from Colorado!!

    The Rossetters

  2. How challenging.
    There is nothing harder than being a mom. It is the offering of all that we have... and your circumstances are so tough.
    I pray that you will be blessed by all of these things. It seems as if you will not take a moment of motherhood for granted.
    Praying that he is home soon, in your arms.

  3. I just want you to know your story has been a God send to me and I pray for you daily.

  4. As we have been staying in touch with Stephens journey, we have been amazed at the heart felt and emotional expressions articulated in text by a mother who is sharing her soul with us. The story being shared is one that is changing lives. We are allowed to participate in a family experience that is bonding families all over this country. Thoughts and prayers being expressed and raising awareness of our own blessings and how sincerely we are all hoping for God to wrap this child in his healing power.

    We are so proud of how you have shown so much enviable courage thru this journey. Our thoughts and prayers are with you, and may God find you with open hearts to manage the days ahead.

    Love always, Mary Elizabeth & Tom


  5. Dearest Lindsey and Bill,
    Take one day at a time. Trust in God and have faith that he will guide you. Know that we do not plan our futures...He does.
    love to all...
    Aunt LuAnn and Uncle Dick